After being declared Not-So-League-Champions League Champions, 4c's stunned the soccer world. Being so close to the salary cap, the team wasn't expected to make any big free agency splashes. But soccer fans city wide spent Saturday morning picking their jaws off the floor as it was announced that Kevin and Karleen Quackenbush took hometown discounts to play with the football club.
Player Profiles:
Kevin Quackenbush:
Strengths - Perhaps one of the most well known players in the Front Range Conference, Kevin has perfected the "Duck Billed Q Kick", and is well known for his adaptation of the "Flying V" from hockey to soccer.
Weaknesses - Sometimes referred to as the Ducky Disaster, Quackenbush has been known to try and communicate with duck calls instead of normal soccer terminology. He has been accused by former teammates of thinking he is "the wrong kind of mammal."
Karleen Quackenbush:
Strengths - Incredibly graceful on the field, people are often too distracted by her pirouettes to realize that they are, in fact, a modified bicycle kick. She commonly discourages teams from regrettable sushi nights, keeping food poisoning away from the soccer field.
Weaknesses - Can be heard complimenting and encouraging the other team, leading to a boost in the oppositions confidence. Sometimes forgets she's playing soccer and proceeds to act out scenes of "West Side Story."
It is believed that the duo took hometown discounts of $ -50 each. As per club policy, financial details were not discussed.
Here is a bit of what local players and fans had to say on the signings:
"I think its bullshit" -Joanni
"Things just got out of control! A blockbuster signing for my favorite team? Where can I get their jerseys? Autographs?" -Bryan Gager
"I think I just wet myself." -Superfan Jake Stooke
"Kev was a real game changer for us. I could never get his name right though; Tweetenbush, Duckinshrub, Bugleinbush? I think that might be why he left the team..." -Daniel Fluharty
With expectations high, the couple makes their debut on Friday. It has not yet been determined which line each will play on, but one can only imagine the salivating line combinations that are possible after this last minute signing.
Odds and Ends
Off Constantly is considering taking 4c's to Arbitration on a ranking dispute. Championship long sleeve t's could not be located.
"What, do they think we took them? Really? The team who was accused of trying to lose once hoodies were off the table, is now being accused of stealing the replacement prize? Laughable. Get your story straight," said team spokesperson Leo Marcelo.
Ben Gager could not be reached for comment.
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