After being declared Not-So-League-Champions League Champions, 4c's stunned the soccer world. Being so close to the salary cap, the team wasn't expected to make any big free agency splashes. But soccer fans city wide spent Saturday morning picking their jaws off the floor as it was announced that Kevin and Karleen Quackenbush took hometown discounts to play with the football club.
Player Profiles:
Kevin Quackenbush:
Strengths - Perhaps one of the most well known players in the Front Range Conference, Kevin has perfected the "Duck Billed Q Kick", and is well known for his adaptation of the "Flying V" from hockey to soccer.
Weaknesses - Sometimes referred to as the Ducky Disaster, Quackenbush has been known to try and communicate with duck calls instead of normal soccer terminology. He has been accused by former teammates of thinking he is "the wrong kind of mammal."
Karleen Quackenbush:
Strengths - Incredibly graceful on the field, people are often too distracted by her pirouettes to realize that they are, in fact, a modified bicycle kick. She commonly discourages teams from regrettable sushi nights, keeping food poisoning away from the soccer field.
Weaknesses - Can be heard complimenting and encouraging the other team, leading to a boost in the oppositions confidence. Sometimes forgets she's playing soccer and proceeds to act out scenes of "West Side Story."
It is believed that the duo took hometown discounts of $ -50 each. As per club policy, financial details were not discussed.
Here is a bit of what local players and fans had to say on the signings:
"I think its bullshit" -Joanni
"Things just got out of control! A blockbuster signing for my favorite team? Where can I get their jerseys? Autographs?" -Bryan Gager
"I think I just wet myself." -Superfan Jake Stooke
"Kev was a real game changer for us. I could never get his name right though; Tweetenbush, Duckinshrub, Bugleinbush? I think that might be why he left the team..." -Daniel Fluharty
With expectations high, the couple makes their debut on Friday. It has not yet been determined which line each will play on, but one can only imagine the salivating line combinations that are possible after this last minute signing.
Odds and Ends
Off Constantly is considering taking 4c's to Arbitration on a ranking dispute. Championship long sleeve t's could not be located.
"What, do they think we took them? Really? The team who was accused of trying to lose once hoodies were off the table, is now being accused of stealing the replacement prize? Laughable. Get your story straight," said team spokesperson Leo Marcelo.
Ben Gager could not be reached for comment.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
After Turbulant Season 4C's Makes Their Way To The Finals
Projected as pre-season favorites, 4C's has scratched and clawed their way to the APEX Soccer Finals. While it should have been an easy road, the rag tag crew made the season more like Jersey Shore than the gimmie season that was expected.
With the departure of 'Guyz and Dollz' into the C league, 4C's appeared to have the league on lock. But everything fell apart with a mid-season scandal that resulted in team manager Amanda Tate receiving a one game suspension, while Sean Garton and Ben Gager received fines.
"Once they found out hooded sweatshirts were off the table, they started purposely throwing games in protest," stated one league official who asked to remain anonymous. "Too many players on the field with two minutes left, in a clutch game? No one is stupid enough to do that."
"We're trying to keep some integrity in the game. No one wants to win the league based on thrown games," stated the director of APEX sports.
The team however, denies any such claims, while maintaining their frustration. "Why do they think we play? Because we love the sport? Hardly. We play for hoodies, and if they think they can swap in long sleeved t-shirts and we will just roll over and die, they've got another thing coming," said team spokesperson Leo Marcelo.
Amanda Tate's comments on her suspension: "I'm not willing to support or deny any allegations of us throwing games. But I will say that after my suspension I am very aware that it isn't an option. If the league wants us to win, then I guess all we can do is comply and try to have a good attitude while we're at it."
"After we found out no hoodies, winning was no longer appealing. This isn't an ideal situation all around, but we understand the league's stance on the issue and will go on with winning despite ourselves" added team muscle-man Justin Ebert.
Scandal aside, 4C's has an opportunity to put their demons to rest, and silence their critics tonight, when they play Lady Luck in the D League finals. With a record of 4-1-2, 4C's is guaranteed the league title with a victory. However a tie or loss, combined with an Off Constantly victory will put them in second place.
Lady Luck striker Joanni claims that 4C's can be beaten fair and square. "They can lose. I've seen it before. Last season after their team sushi night, everyone was throwing up everywhere. I think we took them 10-9 in that game." Upon being asked if food poisoning was part of Lady Luck's strategy, Joanni added, "We're going to hold our cards close to our chest until game time. We don't want to give anything away."
As for game predictions, no one is completely sure. Super fan Jake Stooke believes that 4C's will take the title home, but says they'll do it with the color and flare everyone expects from them. "Oh they'll win it, but I can't imagine they'll do it the easy way. Ever since Sean attempted a bicycle kick with an actual bicycle, I've stopped trying to put these guys in a box"
He also added that stretchers and paramedics should be readily available as 4C's rarely makes it through a game without imploding on themselves with injuries. "It's all part of the show they put on."
Sean Garton stated his optimism but his quotes contained so many expletives that they couldn't be included in this article. Upon cleaning his statements up, they no longer made any sense.
Ben Gager could not be reached for comment.
With the departure of 'Guyz and Dollz' into the C league, 4C's appeared to have the league on lock. But everything fell apart with a mid-season scandal that resulted in team manager Amanda Tate receiving a one game suspension, while Sean Garton and Ben Gager received fines.
"Once they found out hooded sweatshirts were off the table, they started purposely throwing games in protest," stated one league official who asked to remain anonymous. "Too many players on the field with two minutes left, in a clutch game? No one is stupid enough to do that."
"We're trying to keep some integrity in the game. No one wants to win the league based on thrown games," stated the director of APEX sports.
The team however, denies any such claims, while maintaining their frustration. "Why do they think we play? Because we love the sport? Hardly. We play for hoodies, and if they think they can swap in long sleeved t-shirts and we will just roll over and die, they've got another thing coming," said team spokesperson Leo Marcelo.
Amanda Tate's comments on her suspension: "I'm not willing to support or deny any allegations of us throwing games. But I will say that after my suspension I am very aware that it isn't an option. If the league wants us to win, then I guess all we can do is comply and try to have a good attitude while we're at it."
"After we found out no hoodies, winning was no longer appealing. This isn't an ideal situation all around, but we understand the league's stance on the issue and will go on with winning despite ourselves" added team muscle-man Justin Ebert.
Scandal aside, 4C's has an opportunity to put their demons to rest, and silence their critics tonight, when they play Lady Luck in the D League finals. With a record of 4-1-2, 4C's is guaranteed the league title with a victory. However a tie or loss, combined with an Off Constantly victory will put them in second place.
Lady Luck striker Joanni claims that 4C's can be beaten fair and square. "They can lose. I've seen it before. Last season after their team sushi night, everyone was throwing up everywhere. I think we took them 10-9 in that game." Upon being asked if food poisoning was part of Lady Luck's strategy, Joanni added, "We're going to hold our cards close to our chest until game time. We don't want to give anything away."
As for game predictions, no one is completely sure. Super fan Jake Stooke believes that 4C's will take the title home, but says they'll do it with the color and flare everyone expects from them. "Oh they'll win it, but I can't imagine they'll do it the easy way. Ever since Sean attempted a bicycle kick with an actual bicycle, I've stopped trying to put these guys in a box"
He also added that stretchers and paramedics should be readily available as 4C's rarely makes it through a game without imploding on themselves with injuries. "It's all part of the show they put on."
Sean Garton stated his optimism but his quotes contained so many expletives that they couldn't be included in this article. Upon cleaning his statements up, they no longer made any sense.
Ben Gager could not be reached for comment.
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